Step 1.

Funny how I recently rediscovered my ole blog and for once I have something to say. Ironically my last post was talking about my one year anniversary in Italy and I write today knowing I am 2 weeks shy of my one year anniversary here in New York City.

This one is meant for an audience of one... myself. The purpose: to clarify many things.

I'm not even sure where to begin as my mind has been scatter-brained for some time now. All rational thoughts are about as sound and secure as a mud pie... the ones you make as a kid. I can recall trying to make one in the backyard of my childhood home actually. But why am I so scatter brained? I seemed to have not trust my decisions anymore because of their insecurity and mud pie foundations; thus, I have lost faith in myself.

Going through my head now:

1.   I should be sending out architecture resumes

2.   I need to revise and rework my architecture portfolio

3.   Should I be looking for a part time, entry level web design job?

4.   I am not where I want to be career-wise

5.   I am not where I want to be relationship-wise

6.   I am not where I am certain I want to be

7.   Where is everyone?

Where do I start? Where do I go from here? Hell... how do I even continue this blog?

I don't think I am depressed, but I am sad, frustrated and sadly, scared. I hate uncertainty but it is life. If only there was an undo button, I might actually use it. I know I would have never used it before now. At what point would I "undo" to? I have an idea.

Would my decisions make more sense and be a bit more justifiable coming from a magic-8-ball? At least then I wouldn't second guess myself all the time. If I could just pick up a "chance" card and have tell me what to do... go to the railroad, you won a beauty contest, go directly to jail, maybe even free parking? 3 years ago, I didn't second guess myself about moving away; some thought I was crazy, I knew I was right. Now? "All sources say no" a line from a magic 8 ball lol.

The only question I must answer, is where do I want to be (as in career, location, myself). Remember tomorrow is only 24 hours; not enough time to achieve a lifetime of goals. List it out, and don't second guess it. Admit your mistakes, learn, and move on... no dwelling allowed. You don't need to try and be the best to the world... be best to yourself. Maybe its true if you love yourself, others will follow in your lead.